Sometimes I have this feeling of inadequacy that I can’t shake. I find myself out of breath with a mind going (to use a tired cliche) a mile a minute, and I just don’t know whether I should take a minute to sit and relax or if I should go and accomplish more to feel better about myself. There’s this arbitrary bar that I hold above myself and right when I feel that I’ve made myself equal to it, it rises.
Goal: A’s this semester – achieved that? So what, raise the bar.
Goal: Graduate college – going to get there? So what, raise the bar.
Goal: Summa cum laude honors – got the grades? Who cares, raise the bar.
Goal: Find a job – haven’t done it yet? Failure.
Why do I make myself feel so inadequate? I know that I will find a job. I really don’t worry about that, but I haven’t gotten there yet and so I feel as though I’m doing something wrong! (It’s an unbelievably frustrating feeling to tell the truth.) I never really enjoy the journey because the end result is all I can see. It’s like I have tunnel vision when I have a goal to achieve and everything else is white noise. It doesn’t matter. However, I know that not to be true simply because the journey is where the fun happens. Sure celebrating milestones is a good time, but it’s the hard times that get you there that make it all worth it.
This is not a ground-breaking idea. I know that. However, telling myself to simply stop worrying is pretty phenomenal. I may have this cool demeanor that I show to the outside world, but it isn’t real. Inside, I’m constantly reeling. I know that isn’t what people want to hear, but it’s the truth. My last post was about being present, wherever you are, but I’m still struggling with that concept. I am unemployed today. That is probably not going to change tomorrow. Maybe not even next month. However, I can either freak myself about it, or make the choice to do what I can each day to get where I ultimately want to be. That choice involves work and yes, probably a little stress, but it’s going to be a whole lot more manageable to look at the each day concept, rather than the big picture concept. As my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Keller said:
“It’s a cinch by the inch, but it’s hard by the yard.”
I’ve never forgotten that quote. However, I do tend to forget to live out it’s message from time to time, aka every day. I’m going to make a concentrated effort to change that mindset. I’m going to become that girl who has her stuff together no matter where in life she is. I don’t want to pretend to be that girl, I want to actually be her. That means no more beating myself up for not being at the finish line yet. And really, who wants to be at the finish line when they’re 22? No one I hope, because that means you’ve achieved all you ever wanted. I plan to set new goals each and every day until I die. That means I’ll definitely have some things I don’t get to, but at least I can have them (whoever they are) write on my gravestone that I had fun along the way.
Until next time or not, I’m still Cait.