Have you ever met a person and felt a connection to them nearly instantly? You chat about this and that for a few moments, and you just have this gut feeling that they are going to have an impact on your life.
Yeah, don’t trust those feelings.
Especially don’t trust those feelings about someone you work with. They may really enjoy reading, and writing letters to their grandmothers, and journaling, and all sorts of things that you do in your spare time, but that doesn’t mean you have to give in to the pull. Sometimes you feel that they’re supposed to be a part of your life, but sometimes you’re wrong. Your girlfriends may tell you, “Hey Cait, you need to let people in. You need to give them more of a chance.” And you’ll think about their words, and you’ll ponder why you don’t give them a chance, and then maybe you’ll even write about it a bit, call your mom and talk about it a little bit, and in the end you’ll convince yourself that everyone deserves at least a chance. You shouldn’t just write people off because you’re nervous about what could happen.
But maybe, actually, kinda sorta, YOU SHOULD.
People are assholes. They take something that they know you like and appreciate, and then they twist it until it appears as though it applies to themselves. When in reality, it doesn’t actually apply to them at all. It’s an illusion. A mirage. Something ethereal that isn’t actually going to be there in the morning. Maybe…we should give people a chance. A piece of ourselves even, but maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe it’s better to be alone, than it is to be cut up and vulnerable to the ways of others…
I don’t know what I’m trying to tell you, but I do know that I hurt. My heart hurts. My pride hurts. My sense of self-worth is unquestionably wounded. And I guess what I’m wondering is…was it worth it? Were those days of feeling connected and beautiful and interesting worth the aftermath? Everyone wants rain, but no one wants thunder. And, if I’m being honest, I’m scared for the next storm.
Until next time or not, I’m still Cait.