by Cait

December 3, 2013

Do any of us ever know how it all works? Is there ever a moment of clarity where things click and we move forward with the knowledge that it’s all going to be okay? I’ve been having this feeling lately that maybe it’s all going to be fine, but it’s not because I’m sure of anything. I think it’s the opposite actually. No one knows how it all ends, so why stress? The weird thing here (and I’m actually really embarrassed about this) is that the person who made me realize that stressing is fruitless, is someone I used to have no respect for. A clown-like guy who acted like nothing could faze him. However, I, for some unknown reason, got to know him, and through that friendship I discovered that some things do bother him. In fact, a lot of things do. The thing that makes him different is that he doesn’t let those things eat at him. For me, if something “bad” happened I used to let it affect my whole day and change my perspective. I realize now that that was stupid. You have to move forward. You have to just realize that life happens and really…what else can you say? You take it as it comes and just accept it as a part of the day.

Until next time or not, I’m still Cait.

November 6, 2014

I wrote the previous paragraphs about a year ago. I was a senior in college, unsure of what my future held, but certain that I could handle it, whatever it was. About two weeks after that post, I hit a wall. I hit it hard. It was December. I made a mistake. (Although, if I’m honest, it was a few months of heading in the wrong direction and being a person I knew I really wasn’t, before I really fell down.) Everything (in my mind) that I built my self around, was pulled from under me. I made a few bad choices, and it was like I was a piece of trash left on the side of the road, waiting to be blown away. I was hurting. I hurt so badly, that for a long time, I didn’t really didn’t think I was going to make it through.

But I’m here today.

Not to be melodramatic or anything, but the calmness surrounding my life right now was fought for. It wasn’t like the movies. I didn’t reach this great closure or resolution with the shit that brought me to the bottom in the first place, but I worked through it the best that I could. I leaned on my parents. I leaned on my roommates. I leaned on Netflix, my journal, and my American Literature class. I was no longer able to fall back on the shallow and numbing friends I had pursued in the fall. It was time to get real.

There were a few more bumps. It felt like they were taking me right back to that cold December night, but in reality, I could never go back to that place. I had grown from that girl. I had to experience a lot of crap along the way before I could get there, but as Tyler Durden once said,

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything.”

I really and truly believe that. I have by no means lost everything at any point in my life. Not by a long shot. I don’t pretend to be on par with those that have, but what I have experienced is a feeling of hopeless loneliness that felt like it was never going to end. I was forced to really look around and rediscover the value of those around me, whom I loved and who loved me back. It was like I had forgotten what true love (in the friend/family way) felt like. I had forgotten that to love a person unconditionally, literally means just that.

Despite my choices, attitudes, moods, comments, and just plain bullshit, those that truly loved me never stopped. That means more to me than any party or group of people who rashly claim to be my “friend.” I am by no means 100% happy with who I am today. I believe I am on my way to that person, but really, I think it’s going to take me about a lifetime to get it all figured out. Bear with me. Not that girl anymore Until next time or not, I’m still Cait.