Drained.

by Cait

After a couple lengthy (dare I say, longwinded?) blogposts, I’ll cut to the chase: I sorted it all out in a month.

Surprised? So was I.

While quitting one job, packing up the entirety of my house, finding a suitable/affordable apartment, celebrating two holidays, and saying goodbye to some fabulous people was not the easiest of things to do in less than 4 weeks, all those things pale in comparison to the uncertainty and stress I experienced upon actually making the move across the state.

The logistics of finding a U-Haul and renting one in the most economical way possible was in itself, a pretty big hurdle. The whole process involved:

My dad picking it up in Salina, towing it to Goodland, packing it to near capacity, driving it to Bennington to pack in more stuff, pulling it to Lawrence to unpack the majority of the stuff, dragging it back to Bennington to unload the stuff that wouldn’t fit in the apartment, and finally returning it to the store in Salina.

(My parents deserve their own post. I can’t even begin to describe their support. All I’ll say for the moment is, I’m grateful and incredibly blessed to have Marc & Casy Ziegler as my parents.)

Making sure I had all my crap was just the beginning, moving on to the experience of being in a new place was something else.

My last day of work in Goodland was on a Friday, and I started my job in Lawrence the following Monday. Seem a little fast? It was. However, as a (relatively) new graduate, every penny counts, and while taking a week off to become acclimated with my surroundings would have been A-OK with me, my wallet just laughed in my face.

So there I was, and here I am, in my new apartment, in my new job, in my new town. And while it may seem as though I’m  breathing in and out just as before, it’s different.

It’s different in the way I second-guess what to say in the emails I send at work. It’s different in the frustration I feel when I think about having to find a new doctor/dentist/hairdresser/mechanic. It’s different when I wake up in a new bedroom with a different timezone and a different zip code. It’s different, and it’s really draining.

I went home this past weekend and saw some of the people I’m closest to in the world. It was so comforting and familiar. I didn’t have to think about my words, my expressions, my comments, my…you get the picture. I was able to breathe normally because I was finally comfortable after nearly two months of learning and growing, a.k.a. frustration. To paraphrase from one of my conversations this weekend:

“While it’s great being somewhere new, being in a place where things actually happen, and there are new people to meet, it can be exhausting. That’s what I love about coming back home. I get this. I know how this works. It’s comforting in a way.”

That’s why they call it home right?

So to end this update on where I currently stand in my life, I’ll say this. I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m happy. I’m frustrated. I’m uncomfortable. I’m tired. But most of all, I’m okay. I’m living my life, and for someone who would like to give into the fear of change and lie in the warm arms of sameness, I’ll take my chances.

I’m feeling all of these things that aren’t exactly great all the time. It’s the opposite of how I felt on New Year’s Eve, and that makes me unquestionably grateful. I got the change I was so desperate for. All that’s left is to see what I do with it.

Until next time or not, I’m still Cait.

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