I think I’ve been in love before. It wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t obvious. It was…real. That’s the word that comes to mind, along with frustrating. He was from a different world, and everything about him screamed “I’m not from around here.” I pushed him away right from the start, and before I realized I needed him, he realized he didn’t need me. Well, he didn’t need my crap at least.
The truth is, I was frightened. I was frightened because I wasn’t expecting him. I wasn’t expecting to have my life go in a direction I wasn’t ready for. I wasn’t ready to completely divert from the path of expectations and the “right way” of doing things. I thought I would go the way of my best friends. The safe route that involves marriage as soon as possible and babies following immediately after. That’s what the people I know do.
While there’s nothing wrong with that picture, it’s apparently not my path.
No one I know has really gone out and done anything really out there, or surprising. I’m not exactly living my life in order to be the person who does those things, but in some ways I am that person whether I want to be or not.
It’s hard. Sometimes I just wish I could live with normal expectations and not want something that seems so fickle about being in my possession. I don’t even know what it is I really want out of my life. Is that the problem? You can’t really obtain something you aren’t aware of? No. I don’t really believe that. Is this what having faith feels like? Or the lack thereof? Do you just need to trust that you’ll eventually fall into the contentment that has been designed for you? And what if there isn’t contentment? What if there is just the pursuit?And that the pursuit is life?
I guess what I’m getting at is that I want to find my contentment. I love the pursuit. That’s what my adventures are made up of, but I also can’t live thinking that I am moving toward the end of rainbow, when there really is no end to be found. Confounding? Most definitely. And I don’t have an answer, but then, I don’t think anyone ever really does.
Until next time or not, I’m still Cait.