Not a thing.

by Cait

This. Is. Not. A. Thing.

I have to tell myself this each and every time your name lights up my phone. Each and every time.

I promise it’s not because you matter a great deal to me. It’s not because I want you to ask me to be your girlfriend. It has absolutely nothing to do with YOU.

It’s me.

Yes, I used the “it’s not you, it’s me” cliche, on our “situation.” I apologize for resorting to that, but honestly, I didn’t have a choice. It was either you, or my sanity. And I chose my mental health.

Here’s the thing…

You are not a nice person. I don’t feel bad letting you know, in fact it not only feels good, it feels like the right thing to do. Has anyone ever told you this? I think you know how to manipulate people. I think you know how to get what you want. I think you lie to achieve your own agenda. And I don’t think it’s cool. More importantly, I most definitely don’t want that type of person in my life.

Yes, you’re cute. Yes, you’re fun to talk to when you’re acting like an attentive friend and sometimes…more. No, I don’t hate when you say I’m pretty. Yes, it made me feel good.

But. People like you, don’t really like people like me. I’m not trying to be self-deprecating, I’m being real. (As I recall you didn’t appreciate that the first time it happened, my realness I mean. I know you remember.) You like me when I’m amenable and flexible. You like me when I tell you that I like you.

But that’s not me. Sorry to burst your bubble babe, but it’s not. I am not in the habit of being anything other than honest. And strangely, despite your short presence in my life, you had a poignant effect.

(Which while painful at the time, has given me some great material, and for that I owe you.)

Also, I know you know this, but let me repeat myself:

I have a small life. My day-to-day comings and goings are not filled with dozens of people who enter and exit. In fact, my life is quite the opposite. I have a small group of friends and family that I let into my life. A small group that I allow to affect my decisions and feelings. I have an even smaller group that I see on a somewhat regular basis. And that’s why I must tell you,

you are not one of my people.

Because my life is not a large affair filled with excitement, I have the power to choose who influences me. I have the power of choice. The power of deciding who is right for my life, and who doesn’t deserve a role at all. However, I’m a clumsy director. Sometimes I don’t see a failing storyline until I’m halfway through a scene, or even sometimes, an act. I have to make the tough decisions to stop things before they come to fruition. I have to do this because I care about myself too much to allow things that do not matter to take up air time.

You are a scene, an act, and a person, I have chosen not to include in my life.

It’s not you, it’s me.

Plus, you’re a jerk. Boy bye.

Until next time or not, I’m still Cait.