Walls.

by Cait

I went on vacation over the fourth of July, and I had a ball. I traveled with a couple friends from under-grad who I love dearly, and we not only caught up on old times and where we are now, but we also experienced new things and explored a city (Austin, TX) that I can now say is one of my favorites.

However, I’ve now hit a wall.

Coming back from Austin, I struggled with getting back into the groove of work. I was constantly thinking about how I wanted to go on more adventures, and how frustrating it is that I must work at a 9-6 job that requires me to remain stagnant (in my location, that is.) I struggled because I was trying live in the dream of vacation whilst occupying the reality of home.

This struggle provided me with a couple sleepless nights, a few minor (and I can’t stress the word MINOR enough) panic attacks, as well as, just an awful case of FOMO. But after I allowed myself to go through the vacation grieving process, I learned a few important things.

IT’S HARD TO GO ON VACATION WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE THE MONEY TO DO IT.

The only reason I had the money to go to Austin was because I work my butt off 5 days a week all year long. When I came back to work, I kept telling myself that work is drudgery that I must slave through, rather than seeing it as the gateway that it truly is. I am essentially working my hours the way I do so I can afford to take off the hours when I want to. That, is freedom. Once I realized this, I came to another conclusion.

I AM BEYOND PRIVILEGED.

Now, truthfully, I’ve known this for a long time, but it took this week of self-pity to realize a bit more of the extent that my privilege goes. I have now seen what privilege can do to a person. You start to resent your opportunities because you’d rather they just handed you the final product rather than putting you into the position to earn it. That’s my problem. I must remember that work is a privilege. Having a job that not only pays my bills, but also allows me the discretionary income to travel and buy things I want is a major privilege. It sucks when you must acknowledge you’ve been a bit of a brat, but I was, and still am. The interesting part in all of this though, is…

I HAVE COMPLETELY ASSIMILATED TO A MENTALITY THAT REALLY BELIEVES I DESERVE TO DO WHATEVER I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT.

It’s the part that scares me the most. Why do I feel resentful of those who don’t work, rather than work harder to be like them? Why am I not thankful for the amazing opportunities I have been given, rather than pining for those handouts that are so much less satisfying? I don’t think it’s burnout, but I do think it has something to do with social media culture. We see people, who appear to be “just like us,” who get to travel for fun. We see people who get to go shopping, post their purchases, and that’s their job. It doesn’t seem fair, but that brings us to the age-old adage, doesn’t it?

Life isn’t fair.

What I have realized in the past week of vacation on-set responsibility jet-lag®, is that, I have a good life. I have been given the freedom to better myself and my situation on my own terms. I have been given opportunities and sought out opportunities that allow me pursue a lifestyle, I used to only dream about. I am doing so many amazing things, and I don’t want to lose sight of that again.

That all being said, I know that I won’t have this perspective forever. I know that the discontent will rear its ugly head again when I have forgotten how fortunate I am, but at least I’ll have a blog post that may help me get my head in the game again.

Because really, I’m lucky I get to play the game at all.

Until next time or not, I’m still Cait.